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Thread: Observations of the use of Spatula against Smallsword.

  1. #1

    Observations of the use of Spatula against Smallsword.

    Upon entering the kitchen the other day, I was accosted by my girlfriend weilding a blunted smallsword for no apparent reason. This has happened twice before, and generally the only thing I can get my hands on is a spatula, and possibly a pot lid to use as a buckler. The clear problem here is reach, since the smallsword is alot longer than my spatula.

    So far the most effective defences have been the inside and outside guards, catching the blade inbetween the head and the handle of the spatula, battering it quite hard, and advancing past her minimum range to strike at the head, or if possible, torque her wrist and disarm her.

    If I have a pot lid, I have had success sending one of her thrusts to my inside while I advance quickly, and strike as I have previously mentioned.

    The hanging guard is useless.

    Does anybody have any other ideas?
    Fac et Spera
    Moderator - www.swordwiki.org

  2. #2
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    An interesting scenario, should one ever be accosted in such circumstances.

    Against a thrust, I would advocate using the pot lid (in the left hand) to take the point of the smallsword offline to your outside left. You can then bind the blade using your left arm, by moving the forearm in a counter-clockwise fashion, so that the assailant's blade ends up firmly trapped between your bent elbow and beneath your armpit.

    You may then deliver a stout rap-shot with the right fist to your girlfriend's countenance.

    Honourably,

    Bob
    Bob Brooks
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    Hotspur School of Defence

    "There are four D's which I never refuse: A Dinner, a Duel, a Drink and a fair Dame!"
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    - Former US President Jimmy Carter

    "May I ask one more question?" said one of my friends. "I have often heard it said that if you don't know much about fencing the best thing to do is, as soon as you come on guard, to make a sudden rush at the other man before he has time to collect himself."
    "Well," I replied, "if you wish to make sure of being incurably spitted, that is the most infallible way to set about it."

    - Baron Cesar de Bazancourt, Secrets of the Sword, The Tenth Evening XII.

  3. #3
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    A spatula, eh? Have you ever read the manga or watched the anime "Ranma 1/2"? There´s a girl in it that wields a giant spatula as a weapon. Maybe you should read/watch it and adopt her style...;-)

    Cheers, Peter
    What if the bird will not sing?
    Nobunaga answers, "Kill it!"
    Hideyoshi answers, "Make it want to sing."
    Ieyasu answers, "Wait."

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    Hey, is that a demonic duck of some sorts?!?

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    I wish my wife would accost me with a smallsword when I came home instead of household chores!

  5. #5
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    My better half usually assaults me with a womper but I find a tea towel works rather well. Dish rack and bbq fork or, for a projectile weapon, I sometimes use our water filter, but that ties you to where it sits.

    Alex.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex H. View Post
    My better half usually assaults me with a womper but I find a tea towel works rather well. Dish rack and bbq fork or, for a projectile weapon, I sometimes use our water filter, but that ties you to where it sits.

    Alex.
    A womper? As in a giant furry ice creature from Hoth?

    Gadzooks!
    Bob Brooks
    Marshal of the School,
    Hotspur School of Defence

    "There are four D's which I never refuse: A Dinner, a Duel, a Drink and a fair Dame!"
    - Sir Richard Francis Burton (1821-1890)

    "I worship the Prince of Peace ... not the Prince of Pre-emptive War.
    - Former US President Jimmy Carter

    "May I ask one more question?" said one of my friends. "I have often heard it said that if you don't know much about fencing the best thing to do is, as soon as you come on guard, to make a sudden rush at the other man before he has time to collect himself."
    "Well," I replied, "if you wish to make sure of being incurably spitted, that is the most infallible way to set about it."

    - Baron Cesar de Bazancourt, Secrets of the Sword, The Tenth Evening XII.

  7. #7
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    Wompers, so named by my better half, are a foam katana. After a few nasty accidents in the past we try not to use steel inside the house.

    Alex.

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    kitchen assaults

    Quote Originally Posted by Stirling Matheson View Post
    The clear problem here is reach, since the smallsword is alot longer than my spatula.
    >
    Wrong my friend, the clear problem here is that your girfriend is attacking you in the first place. Find out what you did wrong and apologise. If this fails then I recommend the methods advocated by Silver's chef, that is to say a saucepan in each hand, this way you will have a long range buckler in each hand, please use empty saucepans as full ones will be too slow.

  9. #9
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    No no no, full of water...

    And don't ever apologise, leave that for after you've gotten into the hand to hand phase of the engagement...

    Alex.

  10. #10
    The counter-clockwise arm circle worked pretty brilliantly.

    As for apologizing, I didn't do anything wrong and she isn't attacking me out of anger. We are just violent for fun.

    PS: I might just have to watch some of the fights from that anime... pick up a few tricks.

    Thanks all,
    SZM
    Fac et Spera
    Moderator - www.swordwiki.org

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stirling Matheson View Post
    Upon entering the kitchen the other day, I was accosted by my girlfriend weilding a blunted smallsword for no apparent reason.
    At least it was blunt. And it beats flying dinner plates, and is much less deadly than the king of all kitchen weapons, the pewter beer stein, which is wonderfully effective hand to hand, and as a ranged weapon. I find it's best to carry a brace of them, even if it is a fashion faux pas.

    Seriously though, I think it's cool to have an SO that's willing to assault one playfully with weapons. I think it's time to re-evaluate what I look for in female company!

    Best regards,

    -Mark

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicholas Zeman View Post
    I wish my wife would accost me with a smallsword when I came home instead of household chores!
    I think she'll come at you with the sword if you don't do the chores - so perhaps patience a loafing about might be the answer?

    As to defense with a spatula - I'd recommend a steel battle spatula (img attached). My father has one of these and it's never failed him. I'm also convinced that if Vikings had used spatulas this would have been the kind.

    This type of kitchen weaponry opens up all manner of possibilities. The serrations on the edge would be excellent to parry and trap the blade. In one fell swoop you could flip her patty, open a beer, and fight to the death!

    BWAHAHAHAH!

    *ahem*

    -John
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  13. #13
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    Along the same lines, significant others are not the only source of martial kitchen fun. By the time she was 14 months old, my first daughter could execute a very nice parry with her spoon when she espied a food-laden spoon trying to control her midline. I was only fortunate she thought it beneath her dignity to execute a counter. My second daughter doesn't bother with parries, she just rams her spoon right up my nose in response to a culinary threat.

  14. #14
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    I'm quite fond of the wooden spoon!
    I'm lost---- I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

    If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

    I work for Keyser Söze.

  15. #15
    I don't know if this would work but, parry in quarte and as her point goes past you, pass with the left foot so that you are now leading with the left foot instead of the right and at the same time, drop your left arm down over her blade so that you sandwhich it either under your armpit or between your left arm and left side. Should you suceed at said endevour, you can then either riposte with your spatula or drop it and use your now free right hand to grab her sword and disarm her. Good luck and good hunting.
    Swords?

    What do you think this is? The Middle Ages?

    Only girls fight with swords these days! No Sir! We fight with cannon!

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    No way Mr Opheim, steel spatula beats wooden spoon every time.
    I have two scars on my right hand to prove that one.
    Submit to the cute kitty of death.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jacques Blaauw View Post
    No way Mr Opheim, steel spatula beats wooden spoon every time.
    I have two scars on my right hand to prove that one.
    Bah! Not if its a big soup spoon!

    On Guard!
    I'm lost---- I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

    If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

    I work for Keyser Söze.

  18. #18
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    Spoons are perfectly viable weapon of defense, as long as they are of the correct measure and balance. (See attached file)

    Robert Holland
    Schola Saint George, San Francisco
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Holland View Post
    (See attached file)
    Tu' Che'
    I'm lost---- I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

    If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

    I work for Keyser Söze.

  20. #20
    Way too funny!

    If only it happened in our home as well... Well, rather not, since my wife's sword is a Hanwei Taza and not blunted at all... :/
    It is much better to be armed with a sword that has two edges than with an estoc [...], which is nothing more than a stick with a point. (Rapier Master G. Morsicato Pallavicini, La Scherma Illustrata, p. 14.)

  21. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Holland View Post
    Spoons are perfectly viable weapon of defense, as long as they are of the correct measure and balance.
    Indeed! (see attached)
    Attached Images Attached Images   

  22. #22
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    Are you sure you two aren't Clouseau and Kato reincarnated?
    Jim Mearkle

    Swing low, sweet nebenhut!

    "A sharp point is a peremptory fact, which makes quick work of illusions..."
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